Lonelyness

The first couple weeks after Chris' death friends checked on me, but it is 3 months later and I want to know where has everyone gone. I feel like all my friends have went on with their lives and have forgotten about me. I fully understand that my grief is scary for other people who have not lost a child. I understand that my friends and Chris' friends do not want to upset me, but I am drowning. We can not afford counseling so I am doing this all by my self. Ernie, I can tell, is ready for me to get over it already. Today, I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. This week has been really hard for me, I am starting to hear the lies from Satan again. No one loves me, I am too needy, I will never find joy again. I am so incredibly home sick. I want to see my son again, I want to hug him and kiss him. I want to be a better mom to him. I have no idea why Chris is dead, which makes it even harder. I keep going back to the day, the moment, the moments after Chris died, like I can change things, like if play it over in my head, I can get the police to let me in my house to hold Chris one more time, hug him one more time, kiss his warm face one more time. They kept telling me i didn't want to see see him like that, but how did they know that? Did they stop to think for one second that every time I was quiet with no one around, nobody t0 distract me, I would go back to that day, that moment, trying to figure out a way to get into the house to just hold him one-more-time. God has shown me his love and his grace more than I could ever imagine or dream of since Chris' death, why is it that while I am falling deeper into depression, His Love doesn't seem to matter.?. I am in no way saying that God isn't my rock and Abba Father, I am saying that as my depression gets deeper, nothing matters. I do not now how this is happening, I am taking anti-depressants, I even got my dose increased, but yet, i feel over-whelmed and unworthy and unloved. All I want to do is sleep and cry. Oh ya and see Chris. Until the day I die, I will not get to hold him. I am no longer scared of death, death means, once again, being with my beautiful son. My body aches to be his mother again, it aches to a mother to another child, a chance to help a kid to kinda make up for what I did wrong with Chris. I am so incredibly sad and lonely, but here is the oxy-moron, I am so sad that I really don't want to be around people or talk to them. ife just simply sucks right now. There is no christian way to put it. Enough of this pity party for now. My prayer tonight is that God will give me joy tomorrow. Thanks For reading.