Do As I Say Not As I DO

The other day on Facebook, I wrote a post that said:

        "We all r busy, we all have a thousand things to do and in our heads. I am asking you to stop,and make sure your kids know you love them.
*Help them with their chores.
*Let them do that fun thing that is easier to just say no to.
*Take them to lunch or on a picnic and just talk about what ever they want to talk about.
*Catch them doing something {RIGHT} and make a {BIG} deal about it!
... *Even though u r stressed out and don't have time to field those crazy questions or see what they drew for the 100th time, {STOP} calmly explain what's going on and ask them wait until an agreed upon time. Do {NOT} make them feel like a {BURDEN}, kids turn what we say and how we act all around.
*Love your children!

#lessonsfromagrievingmom"

Then that VERY Night, I was doing a Scentsy party (I'm a Scentsy Consultant) and as soon as I started in on my speal, Jena (my daughter) started throwing a fit because she couldn't do the activity sheet I had give to her to do. I tried to be calm and correct her, but really keep on working.  Well several more times she interrupted me and I kept getting madder and madder. We just had a talk in the car as we were driving over that she was going to sit there and not say a word until I was done. And then I introduced a new brand that was coming out in a few days (Velata {fondue}) and Jena asked to try it and I allowed her two strawberries, these were not my berries so I felt bad when I gave her the second. I told her no more and she kept asking and I kept telling her NO. I was getting more and more frustrated that she was still asking.  One of the party attender's "pulled Grandma rights" gave Jena more berries and a couple cookies, which I was fine with. It was then that it hit me,does Jena know that I love her right now? Am I making Jena feel bad because I keep getting harsher with her? Right then, I decided that the next time Jena misbehaved that I was going to be LOVING in correcting her.

   You know what, she never acted up again the rest of the night {she was playing with their dog, lol}.  I never got my chance to fix my wrong.  The next day we had another talk about how she acted and we came up with ways for her to stay entertained while I did my presentation and to give me our preplanned signal when she needed to talk to me.  I started off the conversation with an apologize and told her that I loved her very much.
  I will let you know how she does at the next party!! God willing, She will bean angel!

                 I need to start Doing what I say and NOT doing what I FEEL.
Remember, Love your kids and when you mess up be brave enough to admit your mistake and apologize to your children.  They Learn From Watching US!

Lonelyness

The first couple weeks after Chris' death friends checked on me, but it is 3 months later and I want to know where has everyone gone. I feel like all my friends have went on with their lives and have forgotten about me. I fully understand that my grief is scary for other people who have not lost a child. I understand that my friends and Chris' friends do not want to upset me, but I am drowning. We can not afford counseling so I am doing this all by my self. Ernie, I can tell, is ready for me to get over it already. Today, I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. This week has been really hard for me, I am starting to hear the lies from Satan again. No one loves me, I am too needy, I will never find joy again. I am so incredibly home sick. I want to see my son again, I want to hug him and kiss him. I want to be a better mom to him. I have no idea why Chris is dead, which makes it even harder. I keep going back to the day, the moment, the moments after Chris died, like I can change things, like if play it over in my head, I can get the police to let me in my house to hold Chris one more time, hug him one more time, kiss his warm face one more time. They kept telling me i didn't want to see see him like that, but how did they know that? Did they stop to think for one second that every time I was quiet with no one around, nobody t0 distract me, I would go back to that day, that moment, trying to figure out a way to get into the house to just hold him one-more-time. God has shown me his love and his grace more than I could ever imagine or dream of since Chris' death, why is it that while I am falling deeper into depression, His Love doesn't seem to matter.?. I am in no way saying that God isn't my rock and Abba Father, I am saying that as my depression gets deeper, nothing matters. I do not now how this is happening, I am taking anti-depressants, I even got my dose increased, but yet, i feel over-whelmed and unworthy and unloved. All I want to do is sleep and cry. Oh ya and see Chris. Until the day I die, I will not get to hold him. I am no longer scared of death, death means, once again, being with my beautiful son. My body aches to be his mother again, it aches to a mother to another child, a chance to help a kid to kinda make up for what I did wrong with Chris. I am so incredibly sad and lonely, but here is the oxy-moron, I am so sad that I really don't want to be around people or talk to them. ife just simply sucks right now. There is no christian way to put it. Enough of this pity party for now. My prayer tonight is that God will give me joy tomorrow. Thanks For reading.